I Stand Corrected

In one of my very first blog stories, I referred to someone as a "redneck." I've been informed that the term I should have used was "old school country", and I beg forgiveness because I truly never meant to use the word redneck as a derogatory description of this warm-hearted man I was writing the story about.

I, Queen of the Tenderhearted, never meant to hurt anyone's feelings and it just makes me cringe to think I might have even remotely hurt someone's feelings by calling them a redneck. So, I'm sorry and I'll try to be more careful in the future when describing people in my silly stories.

If anyone that hails from the South wants to refer to me as a "Damn Yankee", then please feel free, although I would like to point out that technically Oregon didn't have a thing to do with the Civil War (at least not that I know of), therefore I couldn't really be considered a Yankee. According to Wikpedia though, a Yankee is "someone from the North who comes to the South for a visit and then goes back. A Damn Yankee is someone from the North who comes to the South and stays!" It goes on to say that "Southerners assert that Yankees are loud, verbally aggressive, arrogant without reason, denigrating, ignorant, demanding, xenophobic (I don't know what the heck that means!) and possess no class or character."

I can honestly say that I am none of those things, with the exception of "ignorant" in that I carelessly referred to someone I have come to love and cherish as a friend, as a redneck. Please forgive me!

Bye-Bye Bombshell

When we first got our beloved Tubby, we bought him the most beautiful doggie bed. It was suede on one side and soft, furry lamb's wool on the other side and we just knew he would love it. We proudly presented it to him and the first thing he did was walk up to it, sniff it all over and then he proceeded to hump it. Not quite the reception we were expecting, to say the least!

I'm sure my jaw dropped to the floor and I covered my eyes, while Sid cracked up and rooted him on. This dog was disgusting! When it was obvious he was never going to use his bed for anything but a "girlfriend", we decided to give her a name. Sid named her "Bombshell" after Bombshell McGee.

From that first day on and all throughout his first year with us, Tubby and his Bombshell have been a hot and heavy item. He got to be so rambunctiously enamored with her that we had to move her out to the porch because he'd make so much noise attacking her non-stop all throughout the house. Heavy breathing, snorting, grunting and growling. The only thing missing was the corny background music. Doggie Porn in my living room. Gross!

Once we moved her outside, Tubby had a routine. Every night around eight, like clockwork he'd go to the front door and grunt in frustration until we'd let him out to be with his gal. He slams through the screen door and runs right to her and immediately climbs on top. No "Hi Honey, how was your day?" or whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Just wham-bam hummina-hummina and let's get busy! Isn't that just like a man? He'll stay out there with her for an hour rolling her from one side of the porch to the other, taking breaks every so often to catch his breath. He's definitely got record-breaking stamina, that's for sure. Sometimes we have to go out there and take her away from him before he gives himself a heart attack from overexertion. And let me tell you, that's no easy task! He about climbs up your leg to get to her when you hold her up to take her away.

Lately, we've noticed poor old Bombshell has been looking a little worse for the wear. She has holes in her where he's chewed her up and her stuffing is falling out all over the place. Sid decided it's time we sent her packing, so today he loaded them both up in the jeep for a ride to the dump. Of course Tubby was in heaven, "loving" on her the whole way down the road. Little did he know these were the last precious minutes he would have with his worn out Love Monkey.

They arrived at the dump and Sid climbed out of the jeep and yanked her out from underneath Tubs and tossed her into the bin. Tubby just watched her fly over the edge of the bin and looked back at his Dad like "What the heck!?" You had to wonder what was going through his mind as he looked back while they drove away and left her behind.

They drove straight into town in search of a new girlfriend and Sid found the perfect replacement at Tractor Supply for only $10. Now that's a cheap date! She was soft and furry and just the right size and Tubby fell in love with her instantly. He initiated their courtship all the way home and right now as I type this, Tubby lays next to her on the living room floor, snoring away. Wonder what we should name her? I'm thinking "Floozie" but we'll probably just end up calling her Bombshell too. The lengths we'll go to for love!

Ho! Ho! Ho! and Away We Go!

Well, Thanksgiving came and went in a whirlwind of chaotic jubilation this year! Mom flew in the weekend before and it seemed as though we never stopped to take a breath from the minute I picked her up at the airport. We ran our little legs off shopping and sightseeing, getting the house ready and preparing food that whole week. Every evening it was well after midnight before we fell into our beds and every morning we were up with the roosters crowing. No rest for the wicked, I guess.

Not that we stood any chance of sleeping in even if we'd wanted to, with Hubby out deer hunting at the crack of dawn every morning! He got an eight-point buck his first day out and brought it home to pose for pictures. The poor thing had it's tongue lolling out the side of its mouth and Sid was holding up it's head, grinning from ear to ear. The proud and mighty hunter! He got another buck Thanksgiving morning, much to our dismay. No sooner had he got the first one all cut up and packed away in the freezer and here he comes pulling another one into the yard while Mom and I are frantically slaving away in the kitchen trying to get veggies cut up, making the dressing and getting the bird ready for the oven. And then he had the nerve to bring in freshly cut venison tenderloin for us to fry up for his breakfast! Yuck! As if we had time for that! Men!

Dinner was a success and even our two desserts turned out good, despite the fact that it was my first time to make either one and we had to tromp up the hill to borrow powdered sugar from my sweet friend and neighbor late the night before. It's a pain living so far from the nearest grocery store.

We had two days of stuffing our faces and visiting with family, playing trivia games and sitting out back by the fire and then it was time to pack up the truck and haul Mom back to Okie-homa.
I thought we'd never get everything crammed into that truck what with all the stuff she was taking back with her and all the bags of loot we'd bought while out shopping. And we couldn't forget our precious Tubby. We could never leave him behind!

The 12-hour drive went faster than we thought, especially with Sid at the wheel. That man has a lead foot if I ever saw one! Poor Mom was praying fervently in the back seat while I watched out for cops hiding on the sides of the interstate and at every on-ramp. We spent two days at Mom's doing honey-do projects for her around the house, visiting with family and taking Tubby to see my 96 year old Prampa. Prampa was tickled pink to finally meet our slobbery bundle of joy and I think Tubby was just as excited to meet him too. We took lots of pictures and made a framed collage of all the photos for Prampa's bedroom wall. It was hilarious because Prampa had had some teeth pulled the week before and so he and Tubby had matching snaggleteeth on their bottom jaws. So funny!

After hugs and kisses and a long, tearful goodbye to Mom on Monday, we headed back home to Tennessee. Tubs was such a trooper and didn't seem to mind the long ride at all, which surprised us both. We thought for sure he'd be having a fit cooped up in a car that long, but he was really good. We stopped at a casino right before we crossed out of Oklahoma and into Arkansas and actually won some gas money, which was fun. We weren't in there more than 20 minutes and came out with $160 of the Thlopthlocco Indian Tribe's hard-earned money. Still not sure how to pronounce it, but thank you Chief of the Thlopthlocco's!

The drive through Arkansas was pretty uneventful until we got within 35 miles of Memphis and the rain turned into a downright snowy blizzard! Totally caught us off guard and woke us right up. Who needs Starbucks when you've got a snow storm to keep you awake?! The next four hours we drove through snow all the way home. I had a death grip on the passenger side door the whole way and my right leg was so stiff from me ramming it into my imaginary brake pedal on my side of the truck. There were fingernail indentions in the vinyl on the door and I was praying a hedge of protection around us the whole way, alternately wishing I had an iron skillet to bonk my maniac lead-footed husband over the head with at the same time! He's a wonderful driver and all, and we did manage to make it home in one piece, but I'm sure I've got at least a dozen more gray hairs on my head than I had when we left!

I never was so glad to see our sweet little house on the hollow then I was that night. It was after midnight when we finally landed in our cloud of a bed. I was plum wore out and didn't even object when Tubby hopped up to lay beside us. In a matter of minutes, both my boys were snoring away and I soon followed. When did holidays get to be so stressful? And now it's almost Christmas. Bah Humbug!