My Daddy

How do you ever get over the grief of losing someone so suddenly, that you loved so deeply?  Never getting to truly say goodbye and "I love you" that one last time.  It's utterly heartbreaking and the guilt and sorrow you're left with just tears you inside out.

My sweet Daddy left this world last week and is now in Heaven.  While I'm glad he's in Heaven, I selfishly just want him here with me.  I miss him terribly and I want to hear his comforting voice.  I want to hear his raspy laugh.  I want to hear him call me "Honey" and say "How's my little lady?" like he always did.

All weekend I've just been grasping at memories, willing myself to hear his voice, wishing for more time together to tell him all the things I want him to know.  Things just keep popping in my head, big and small.  Silly memories, sad ones, fun times, trips we took together.  All the things he taught me.  I can't remember a single time he ever raised his voice to me in anger.  Not one single time.  He was always loving and proud and patient.

I remember once when Tiff and I were staying at his home for the weekend and I got sick with a terrible headache.  All I wanted was to go home to my Mom, which was a four hour drive over the mountains, one way.  I didn't even have to ask twice.  Without hesitation, he just loaded me up in the car in the middle of the night and drove me over those mountains to my Mom.  He dropped me off and turned around and drove the whole way back alone.  He didn't have to do that.  He could have made me stay there with him and just tough it out, but he didn't.

He taught me how to fry an egg.  Silly memory, huh?  Every time I crack an egg in a frying pan, I think of my Daddy.  He used to run his fingers through my hair to get the tangles out.  He didn't like to use a brush, he would just sit there and use his hands.  He used to sing to me with his deep, gravelly timbered voice.  I remember two songs in particular.  One was an old Elvis song called It Is No Secret What God Can Do, and the other was The Eastbound Train, which was a sad song about a train conductor and a little girl who was traveling to see her dying Daddy.

One time he surprised me in Tennessee.  He just showed up at my office one day out of the blue and stayed with me for the whole weekend.  We visited the whole time, just me and him, talking for hours.  I felt so close to him that weekend with his complete undivided attention and he just wanted to hear all about my life.  I took him to my church that Sunday and we held hands during the entire service.  When the congregation stood to sing How Great Thou Art, Daddy broke down in tears and just sobbed and sobbed.  We just held each other until he could stop crying.  He was so tender hearted.

He was such a character, always so charming and funny.  One time when we were little girls, he took us to a petting zoo and stood in front of the llamas teasing them until one of them spit in his eye.  We laughed and laughed.  And a goat pulled his wallet out of the back of his jeans and chewed up some dollar bills.  We thought it was so funny to see him wrestle that wallet out of the goats' mouth.  One time he saved my sister from drowning in the pool.  She went into the deep end and couldn't swim and he just jumped right into the pool with all his clothes and his cowboy boots on and saved her.  He just held her until she stopped crying.  Our hero.

My heart just aches and I can't stop these hot tears from flowing down my cheeks.  I just want us all to be together forever and there to be no dying, no suffering, no sadness.  I hope and pray we can all truly be together again one day and we'll know each other and be able to hug and hold each other and be happy in Heaven.  I'm so thankful for everything my Daddy was to me, and I'll miss him so much.  I can't imagine a world without him.

I love you Daddy.  Thank you for my life.  Thank you for loving me so completely.