Monkey Business

We have this neighbor named Vance who's as redneck as they come. If you look up the word "redneck" in the dictionary, there's surely a picture of him right beside it. He's bowlegged as Yosemite Sam, has a long, handlebar mustache and such a strong, southern accent that half the time you don't fully comprehend exactly what it is he's trying to say. He's the nicest guy in the world and he'd give you the shirt off his back. He knows anything and everything about horses and cattle and he's the "go-to" guy on the hollow for anything we need in regards to our donkeys.

One time he told us a hilarious story about a pet monkey he once won in a poker game. If you knew Vance, you'd never believe in a million years he'd have a pet monkey, but he did. He used to keep the monkey in a cage in his barn and whenever he was out there working with horses, he'd let the monkey out to follow him around and keep him company. This monkey loved to drink beer and every chance he got he'd tip back a bottle that was left unattended.

One day Vance headed down to the barn to work with a horse that hadn't been haltered yet. He let the monkey out and headed to the tack room to get a beer out of the fridge. There was only one beer left, so he had to be careful not to let the monkey get it away from him. Every time he set it down, the monkey would make his way over to it and try to take a drink. Vance kept taking it away and the moneky was getting madder and madder by the minute.

In the meantime, Vance was trying to put the halter on this stubborn horse and the horse wasn't cooperating one single bit. The more Vance struggled with it, the worse the situation got. The monkey tried to take advantage of Vance's preoccupation with the horse and reached for the beer again, but luckily Vance caught hold of the bottle before the monkey could take a swig. If looks could kill, poor Vance would've been dead because that monkey was practically shooting poisonous darts with his eyes! Just as Vance finally got the halter on the horse's head and reached his arm over it's neck to fasten it on, that vengeful monkey came flying down on top of that horse's head and grabbed hold of it's upper lip with both hands squealing and shrieking like a wild banshee! The next thing you know the horse is rearing up wildly and Vance is flying through the air!

Once the dust had settled and a hush came over the barn, all you could see was a hole the size of Vance's head in the ceiling of the barn, a monkey in the corner of the rafters looking down, a horse wild-eyed and breathing hard in the stall and poor old Vance laying flat on his back with an empty beer bottle laying next to him in the dirt. Needless to say, Vance found that monkey a new home the next day!